25 March 2025
Two weeks ago today I was saying farewell to the crew after the offload here at the Studio. It wasn’t so much dust settling in the coming days as spores. Nearly the entire Circus succumbed to a bug that had been with us since Liverpool when Liz Troy started to show signs and by Aberdeen Steve Vantsis was going down. I was holding it off and very aware that I had the two biggest gigs off my career in Glasgow to 5000 people a lot of whom had made gargantuan efforts to be there. The pressure was close to overwhelming. I internalised and had to shut myself off if I was to command the Glasgow shows. I had to collect all my resources and focus on those two epic events. I’ve never experienced that amount of intensity that occurred over those last performances. The payback was sublime, and I cannot remember shows that were so all consuming and emotional. Truly magical in every respect.
Only now am I beginning to process what happened and the enormity of the UK tour which was psychologically draining and required total concentration and application to get to the end in Glasgow. I spent the last two weeks here in the Studio , one on my own as Simone was visiting her parents in Germany, racked with coughing, chills, sweats and zero energy and the usual symptoms of a post tour infection as the walls crumbled and my body stopped fighting and gave up to face the inevitable incoming. I still had to deal with all the accounts and tour debris that now filled the garage and needed checks on the small amounts of remaining stock we had left. This all had to be built on pallets and manifested for the company who had agreed to buy what we had left. After the tour sales and the run on the mail order before it closed on March 6th everything that was left was on 9 pallets with a collection of small, medium and huge size shirts, mostly Vigil’ taking up one flight case. The garage was as empty as it had been since around the beginning of 1994 when Dick Bros record company started up.
That in itself was a moment for me and the black plastic shrouded and tied up pallets were yet another reminder that it was over. They looked like sarcophagi in the gloom. It was most definitely the end of an era.
I wasn’t getting the space to process everything that had gone on. Between the illness and the workload and the post tour comedown I was off balance and communicating was difficult because I couldn’t engage with emotions purposefully.
A couple of times I went on the group pages and read some reviews that cracked the shell and left me with a lump in my throat but that was mainly because of emotions being expressed by others regarding the farewell tour that triggered my own. My situation was more complicated and reading some comments felt like reading my obituary. As I said processing has been difficult.
I’m starting to come to and the days are thankfully emptying out to provide that space I need to come to terms with it all and reflect on a breathtaking series of shows of which every night were outstanding and memorable in so many ways.
I hope you understand that my recent silence hasn’t been through disassociation or lack of respect for all your support on the tour. It’s just that it has been impossible to conjure words and collect emotions together to a point where I can put my thoughts in an orderly fashion that makes sense and expresses my gratitude for all you have given me over the many years.
I’ll write more in the coming days as my life rebalances and I can continue to find neutral buoyancy in what has been a maelstrom of experiences in recent months.
This is just a short reintroduction of sorts and again I want to sincerely thanks everyone who came along to the shows and bought tickets and merch and who supported me on the farewell journey and who have been with me for such a long time. It was impossible to meet with everyone I knew from across the years and who all wanted a final personal experience in some way or another. I only had so much to give and in the end by Glasgow I had nothing left. It was overwhelming and Simone and I left the final after show tour party in a taxi at 2am to drive back to the studio to reclaim our space.
We will be here for another few weeks dealing with business issues and the Studio before heading to the isles in the middle of April. I’ll have time to write and meditate on it all while I’m here and putting my thoughts together is important now.
I’m moving into a good place and relishing the next stage in our lives. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. I’m not sad and there are no regrets. This particular game is most definitely over and I am so glad and proud that I left with a huge bang and not a whimper. It was how it was always meant to be
Thanks for being out there
Take care and stay alive
Derek the Fish
